Wednesday, July 26, 2006

I am having a serious identity crisis

Being unemployed is draining my life force out of my body. I spend all day listening to music and playing video games (which sounds great.) Let me tell you, it's not. I am poor, I am stuck inside my house like I have mono again and I am desperately in need of some life changes. As Sunrise pointed out on her page, she vented a bit and made a list of her traits that some people might not know about her. And I appreciate that someone can come out and point out some of the negative aspects of their character. So I think I need to do that in order to try and get myself motivated and out of the rut I'm in. Some of these are good things, some are bad.

I am having a serious identity crisis.
I am disgustingly lonely and dependent on others.
I have no clue what it is I want out of life, love and the pursuit of happiness.
I am smart, but not motivated; therfore lazy.
I feel as if I am alone in the world sometimes and don't want to listen to the reality checks I get from others around me.
I am a general optimistic person, but only when I have good things happening to myself.
I need to move out of this house.
I love my friends.
I love my family but need to move away from them ASAP.
I am afraid of the female species, but am in desperate need of companionship.
I love my usual crew, but feel that I am in a stagnant place and if the above needs to come to fruition, I need to meet new people and get out more.
I am too hard on myself.
I sometimes need someone to shake me and say "you don't have it bad at all."

So these are mostly the bad things that are milling about in my brain. And I know I shouldn't give a shit about half of this because good things come to those who wait, but I don't like waiting. The waiting is the hardest part. I feel like I am a good enough person. So can I meet someone out there dammit! Can I get a job? Can I move out sooner than later? I am in a rut. I need asylum.

Here is a song that helps me through the days. There are a few and for the most part it is Peter Gabriel's first solo self titled album. It's excellent stuff. Here are the lyrics to Here Comes the Flood and I posted a video of him on some strange-o variety show.

When the night shows
the signals grow on radios
All the strange things
they come and go, as early warnings
Stranded starfish have no place to hide
still waiting for the swollen Easter tide
There's no point in direction
we cannot even choose a side.

I took the old track
the hollow shoulder, across the waters
On the tall cliffs
they were getting older, sons and daughters
The jaded underworld was riding high
Waves of steel hurled metal at the sky
and as the nail sunk in the cloud, the rain
was warm and soaked the crowd.

Lord, here comes the flood
We'll say goodbye to flesh and blood
If again the seas are silent
in any still alive
It'll be those who gave their island to survive
Drink up, dreamers, you're running dry.

When the flood calls
You have no home, you have no walls
In the thunder crash
You're a thousand minds, within a flash
Don't be afraid to cry at what you see
The actors gone, there's only you and me
And if we break before the dawn, they'll
use up what we used to be.

Lord, here comes the flood
We'll say goodbye to flesh and blood
If again the seas are silent
in any still alive
It'll be those who gave their island to survive
Drink up, dreamers, you're running dry.

I need some moral support these days.


j. leo said...

Look forward, my friend. I have a master's degree and I still don't know what the hell is up. I'm going back to my new home without any clue of employment or living situation. But I'm feeling good. Really good. And you should too. You have people that care about you, and when you have that, it's much better than lots o cash and no friends. Ahhhhh god that sounds really corny (I just went through a lameass wedding with tons of that shit, I'm going to go strangle myself now) but seriously, don't be down. This is a part of life, as stupidly obvious as that sounds.

I think there's an inevitable letdown for all of us once school is done and reality hits us in the face FACE!!!! I know I've been feeling it. Feeling it for quite some time before this year. But now I realize that, in reality, we can't have those days of Borgotta and classes as our main thoughts back. I wanted, when I first graduated, to create an endless loop in teh space-time continuum where it would always be spring of 2004. But I, at this moment, believe that process to be impossible. SO we have to look ahead.

ANyway, for some good news, I am going to be in Jersey soon. If you have any time today (wed) or tomorrow (thur) I would love to get my much much much much needed HArtleyfest in. Let me know if you can do it.

Sara said...

Moral support? You've got it.

I admire the fact that you were able to come out and accept some not so hot (to you, maybe not to us) things about yourself. You're good people, so don't let it get you down. And remember, it's always okay to lay in the gutter. As a matter of fact, come to my gutter and we can spoon.

PatrickH said...

I know exactly what you mean with the whole unemployed shit. I just spent the last two months living at home, doing nothing but apply to jobs, play videogames and watch DVDs, and I need to get out of here or I'll lose my fucking mind.

I just took a job in fucking New Mexico if that's any indication about how stir crazy I am.

Lily Graypure said...

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. It will get better soon, I'm sure. On a side note, I was just listening to that Peter Gabriel album on vinyl this afternoon. It is very good.